My Year of Change

Posted May 11, 2016 by

I really just wanted 2016 to be a year of change.  I didn’t want to look back on 2015 as it was awful. However, that’s a whole other story.  I keep backtracking as I can’t seem to figure out where things went so wrong.  I try so hard not to place the blame on anyone or any one event, but you do wonder… if certain things or choices weren’t made would I be where I am right now? 

March 15, 2015. Worst day of my life.  Typical work day… I was struggling through my day, as usual.  Most days I had not been myself, like 6-7 months of not myself.  I figured it was because of the horrible year I had; the struggle of my break up that left me pretty messed up, the fight with my family in the summer, work stress etc…  I wondered, “Was I depressed?”  Some days were better than others.  I thought maybe I was out of my rut, but the next day it was bad again.  

So, I get a call.  The doctor at the blood donor clinic speaks with me and breaks the news, “Oh hey.  You have HIV.”  OK, so not quite like that, but he was pretty nonchalant about it.  Not even through the f-words and the constant question, “Are you serious?”  Did he show compassion.  That didn’t matter really, to be honest.  I fell back on what I used to know and I thought, “I am going to die.”

My mind was a mess, all the questions, “How?  Who?  What will people think of me?  What will my kids do or say?  What will my ex think?  How can I possibly live a normal life now?”  A life, I thought, would be pretty short.

I saw my friends that day, it was a blur.  We cried, a lot with each one.  I was terrified and horrified!  This was unthinkable.  This just doesn’t happen.  Blur, blur, blur. 

I got so much information over the next few days; overwhelming amounts of information.  This relieved me to some extent, but at the same time I worried about everything.  I worried the most about my ex, my family, and my friends.  They talked of medication; they talked of how I would feel better once I started it.  Oh my God, how much I wanted to feel better.  I was frustrated of being sick and tired.  I felt like I was living in a bubble for months and now that I knew why it was only a matter of getting on meds and feeling better. 

I wasn’t going to, but I took it upon myself to tell my ex.  Why I worried so much about what he thought really got to me.  I asked myself if it was because I still had feelings for him or because I knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of information.  I knew him like no other and this was going to destroy any type of friendship or anything I may ever have with him.  In brief, I’m certain he is my soul mate, and I’m certain he is supposed to be in my life for some reason; not as a relationship, we are long past that, but there is something and neither one of us may ever know why. 

So, of course divulging the information went exactly how I figured it would.  He was terrified and so angry.  The look on his face nearly killed me as he stormed out.  I wanted him to stay so I could help him to not be so scared, but all I could do was let him go.  I hated it.  I hated knowing he was so mad at me and really truly hated me now; a hate that would last forever. 

Once he got tested, he was negative.  I was so relieved.  Relieved for him to not have to take this on in his life, and relieved that I wouldn’t have to think for the rest of my life that he hated me for ruining his life.  I couldn’t handle him thinking that I was a horrible person for letting this happen.  As of now, we are on some sort of speaking terms, but not often; and that’s ok.  I’m not the kind of person to hold grudges or stay angry at people.  Our relationship is a whole other blog and well, I’m content with the fact that if I do need him for something small, he’ll be there as I will for him; no questions asked. 

So as I write now, I’m two months into all of this.  My meds are amazing and I really truly do feel like myself again.  Thank goodness.  I am no longer afraid of things, and I’m slowly trying to put things in my life back in place.  I want to date, I want a relationship, I want to be happy and do all the things I was hoping to do this year. 

The rollercoaster ride is slowly coming to end; I hope.  It’s been emotional, scary and lonely, but I’m surviving.  I have the most compassionate, understanding and supportive group of family and friends around me so I’m definitely lucky that way.  I honestly don’t think I’d be where I am now without them.  

I’m still fighting a few things and I am working through those too.  I honestly couldn’t have done it without all the help from the clinic either.  Those people are angels sent from heaven and I am so lucky to have them through everything. 

Am I changed?  I sure am, but in all honesty, I think I’m changed for the better.  I’m getting involved in a whole community I never knew existed and meeting amazing people I didn’t know before.  My mind is open to possibilities, which it always has been, but there is so much more out there than what I had ever thought.  I want to make a difference.  I want to help people.  I want to be the best person to everyone around me I can. 

Stay tuned...